Teardrop on the Fire
by Lux Aeterna
Summary: Jay refuses to take the pain of loving Bob anymore and attempts to take his own life. Horrified, Bob saves his life, leaving the two of them to cope with all that's happened and deal with the consequences. Rated for swearing & suicidal themes.
1. Fearless on my breath

Disclaimer : I don't own Jay and Silent Bob, or the song Teardrop by Massive Attack or Hurt by NIN ( much to my great distress ).  
  
TEARDROP ON THE FIRE  
  
~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Love, love is a verb  
  
Love is a doing word  
  
Fearless on my breath  
  
Gentle impulsion  
  
Shakes me, makes me lighter  
  
Fearless on my breath  
  
~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Jay had remembered when things had been so much simpler in life. Back in the days when the only things he'd had to worry about were dealing, getting chicks every now and then, getting wasted, and his hair. He'd never had to really worry about paying bills or buying groceries or things to that effect - Silent Bob dealed with all that kinda shit.  
  
Nothing in Jay's life had been especially deep. Even when he'd lived with his junkie parents as a kid he hadn't had to worry too much, seeing as his best friend Bobby lived just upstairs with his more normal parents, who were always willing to look after Jay if things got too intense.  
  
But now things were getting intense for Jay again. He hadn't had to worry about anything too strentuous for a long time, but now the old pain was back, and in a horrible new tangent.  
  
With all his previous problems, Bob had been there. He had been able to help Jay through whatever was the matter. But now the usually care-free Jay was all alone, nursing a problem that was much too lonely and felt far too grown up for him to take.  
  
But here he was, sitting with his head hung and holding a half empty bottle of JD in the living room in the apartment that he and Bob shared.  
  
Fuck.  
  
Fuck, this was too hard. Fuckin' too big for Jay to handle. He'd never had this feeling before. He'd known it had existed, and that it was meant to be the most incredible fuckin' feeling on the planet.  
  
But it wasn't. It was torturing him, and had been ever since the beginning of last year, on New Years Eve, when a drunken glance had turned into a desperate stare. When Jay had looked too fuckin' deep and had seen something that he wanted all for himself, something so desperate and single-minded that he knew that it wasn't ever gonna go away.  
  
Jay took another gulp of whiskey and shuddered. Fuckin' Jack. He'd never really liked it but drank it for drinking's sake. He needed to get drunk - he needed to get so wasted that for a while he'd forget his problems and just fall into an unconcious sleep.  
  
The room was getting kinda hazy now. Jay could feel his head start to loll slightly to the side. He burped.  
  
// Maybe I should lie down....// Jay thought to himself groggily.   
  
He lay his head down on the couch and pulled his knees up to his chest. He held them there and felt his head swim. Jay started to feel sick... Jack always had a shitty effect on him. He thought about getting up, but the bathroom felt miles away, so he stayed where he was.  
  
//If I get sick, I fuckin' get sick. Like it fuckin' matters anyway.//  
  
Jay lay there for what seemed like hours. Eventually the drink started to wear off him, and that horrible newly sober feeling drifted over him.  
  
Jay pulled himself up from his position on the couch and stared miserably round the apartment. He picked up the remote and started to flick idly through the channels. Nothing was fuckin' on. He got up and paced boredly around the place, stopping once to look at his reflection in a mirror.  
  
He looked alright. His hair was still shiny from washing a few days ago, hanging in lazy golden waves down his back. His eyes had dark shadows under them, but the dark green of them was still kinda nice. His skin could've looked better, but he guessed that was his own fault. Drinking always left him looking less than his best. With a slightly aggravated sigh, he walked away from the mirror and into the kitchen.  
  
Jay fiddled with the radio stations for a while until he finally found something that he liked. He sat down at the table and lay his head against the hard wooden surface, letting the music drone into his skull. It started to hurt, the aftermath of the alcohol kicking in, and Jay switched the radio off.  
  
Then, without warning, without even thinking, angry and despairing tears started to flow down Jay's face and onto the grubby surface of the table. Jay didn't even move - he just sat there crying, letting the tears drain out of him.  
  
He cried until he felt there was no fluid left in his thin, pale body. His eyes felt small and his skin stung from the tears.   
  
//You fuckin' bastard ... you fat fuckin' useless fuck ... you did this to me. You made it so fuckin' painful. You made me like this. I hate you ... I fuckin' hate you. Why did everything have to be this way? Why did it all have to get so fuckin' complicated? Why the shit did it have to happen to me?//  
  
Jay's thoughts raged. It was so fuckin' painful. That fat fuckin' piece of shit was screwing up his thoughts more than he imagined anything ever could and it wasn't fair.  
  
It just wasn't fuckin' fair.  
  
He buried his face in his hands and shook with tearless violent sobs that wracked his thin frame. He gritted his teeth and punched the table hard. His hand throbbed with pain, which he felt grateful for, as it almost took away some of the pain that was currently eating away at him.  
  
Suddenly Jay heard the click of a key in the lock of the apartment door. His heart thumped madly against his ribs as he desperately tried to hide the fact that he'd been hysterically crying only minutes before. A terrible wave of panic overtook him, and Jay blundered about the kitchen trying to hide the empty whiskey bottle that he'd moved from the lounge, trying to mask the smell of alcohol that came off him, trying to hide his red, raw eyes.  
  
Eventually, Jay realised that there was no point in hiding his misery. It was blantant, no matter how hard he tried to mask it. He slumped back into a chair in the kitchen, feeling physically and emotionally exhausted.  
  
Bob walked into the kitchen carrying a paper bag of groceries from the Quick-Stop, to see Jay sitting hunched over in a chair, his eyes bloodshot, his face tearstained and trembling like a child. Bob blinked, taken aback by Jay's haggard appearance. He tilted his head, trying to get a good look at Jay's face, hoping his eyes were playing tricks on him and that Jay wasn't looking as terrible as he appeared.  
  
''Jay?''said Bob.  
  
Jay didn't even raise his head, let alone acknowledge and reply to Bob.  
  
''Jay?''  
  
Still no reply.  
  
Bob put the groceries down gingerly on the counter by the sink and pulled up a chair next to the oddly-silent Jay. He peered at the young blond man, his dark eyes full of worry and concern.  
  
Jay squeezed his green eyes together in misery, desperately trying not to look at Bob's face - the very face that was causing him all this fuckin' grief. He wound his hand into a fist, squeezing so hard that his knuckles went white. Out of the corner of his eye, Jay saw Bob's eyes widen in shock.  
  
Bob took a deep breath, preparing to speak for a duration longer than one or two words - something he wasn't used to doing.  
  
''Jay....c'mon man...tell me what's wrong. It sucks seeing you like this, man.''  
  
Jay shuddered, and Bob couldn't tell whether it was with emotion or just rage. He blinked.  
  
Jay turned his face towards Bob with terrible hesistancy. His eyes were red with tears and his lower lip was shaking against his will. Bob looked really shocked now and Jay relished the expression on the fat fuck's face with a sick pleasure. He was glad that he was making Bob hurt, even if it was nowhere near to how shit Jay felt at this present moment.  
  
''Jay, tell me what's wrong.'' There was a slight quiver in Bob's voice as he looked at the strange expression in Jay's eyes.  
  
Jay's face twisted into a horrible smile and he moved his face barely an inch apart from Bob's. He lips curled into a snarl and he hissed, ''Go fuck yourself.'' and stormed out of the kitchen and straight into his room, where Bob heard the door slam shut, then the click of the lock. Bob felt the bile in his stomach writhe like snakes. He swallowed, numbed by Jay and his sudden viciousness. He was used to Jay having random outbursts, but they were never cruel or truly angry or bitter or vicious like Jay had just acted.  
  
Bob left the kitchen and stood for a moment outside Jay's locked door. He thought about banging on the door and pleading with Jay to talk to him, to tell him what was making him so angry, but he decided against it. He figured it would be a better plan to let Jay cool down for a while.  
  
But there was something about Jay this time that made Bob edgy. There had been a look in his eyes... it was bothered him. He'd never seen that look before. Bob took off his hat and ran a slightly shaking hand through his dark hair. Something about this situation felt terribly wrong. He hated seeing Jay this way - it hurt... like he was being stabbed in the heart with a poison dagger.  
  
It was a terrible feeling to have - one that he had deciphered long ago.  
  
//No, no... you're not thinking about that, Bobby,// snapped a little voice in his head. //Don't go down that road again. Block it out, like you always have. Like you always will. Unless you're being a sentimental fuck again...//  
  
Bob shook his head and turned to go back into the lounge. With one last wistful look in the direction of Jay's room, he turned the T.V. on but only half-watched it.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Teardrop on the fire  
  
Fearless on my breath  
  
Nine night of matter  
  
Black flowers blossom  
  
Fearless on my breath  
  
Black flowers blossom  
  
Fearless on my breath  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Jay lay on his bed, his golden hair splayed out around his face. His face was set like stone, tear-streaked again. His mouth was set so tightly it had become nothing but a bloodless line. His mind was overflowing with thought. Surely Bob had worked out what was wrong with him. He was cleverer than Jay, and Jay knew it as well as anyone.  
  
And if he hadn't worked it out?  
  
Well then, he was a stupid, fat fuck.  
  
But he wasn't a stupid fat fuck, Jay's mind argued blindly. He was kind and strong and had always been there for him. He was beautiful and Jay felt that anyone who couldn't see that was fucking stupid. Bob was amazing. Jay felt the angry tears fill up his eyes again.   
  
Bob was all he wanted.   
  
And everything he could never have.  
  
The cold expression on his pale face broke and Jay's face became contorted with pain. He turned over and gave a howl of misery, muffled into his pillow.  
  
Lyrics from an old Nine Inch Nails song sprang into Jay's mind from nowhere. He mouthed them soundlessly into nothingness.  
  
''You could have it all... my empire of dirt... I will let you down... I will make you hurt.''  
  
Jay turned back over and stared bleakly at his ceiling. Fuck. He couldn't take this pain anymore. It was agony. It was ripping him apart. He wanted so badly to tell Bob how he really felt but he knew that if he did it'd totally fuck up everything.  
  
As if everything wasn't fucked up enough as it was...  
  
Jay stumbled from his room, keeping his gaze on his feet, and shuffled quickly into the bathroom, making sure he'd locked the door straight away. He heard Bob rise from the couch and started to shake.   
  
There was only one thing to do. He couldn't let Bob interfere and fuck it up. He had to be a man. He had to do this...  
  
It would make everything so much easier.  
  
Jay was getting sick of the tears that kept blinding his vision, but he patted around blindly inside the cabinet anyway. Finally his shaking hands closed around a small white bottle. He gave it a little shake to check that it was the right one. The rattling of pills greeted him and he knew that it was. Jay roughly brushed away the tears from his stinging green eyes and stared at the bottle of pills. He slowly unscrewed the cap and peered inside. There were roughly about fifty pills. It was enough to get the fuckin' job done.  
  
With one final look at the door, where outside Bob was sitting, Jay swallowed fifteen pills.  
  
The taste was terrible. Jay groped for a glass and turned the tap on. When the glass was full, he swallowed other fifteen, then some water to wash them down quicker. Then another fifteen, followed by a final ten. Jay gulped some more water, then fell to the floor with a loud thump.  
  
He heard Bob say, ''Jay? What's happening in there?''  
  
He started to feel drowsy.  
  
Lying there on the floor, a whirlwind of thoughts flew through Jay's mind, that was slipping further and further into unconciousness.  
  
//Everything... it's fuckin' over... fuckin' over... I'm dying, I'm dying, I'm gonna die... holy shit man... I can't feel myself, but I can still feel the pain, all of it. Holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck.. I'm sorry.. I'm so sorry, if anyone'll miss me I'm sorry. S' going...s' all going so fast.. I'm dead, gone, fucked... so sorry... I'm so sorry, Bob... miss you so fuckin' bad... it's all...so over..//  
  
And then, just before the darkness overcame him, one single clear thought ran through Jay's brain.  
  
//I love you, Bob.//  
  
And then, nothing.  
  
~~~~~~~~~  
  
Bob had heard the loud thump in the bathroom, like the sound of someone falling flat on their ass. He got up from the couch and knocked on the door.  
  
''Jay? What's happening in there?''  
  
He hadn't gotten a reply. Worse still, there hadn't been any sound of Jay moving in there, or breathing or anything. After about five minutes, Bob began to panic. Something was very wrong. Usually Jay was a bag of nervous energy, particularly when he was angry or upset.  
  
Bob banged the door again, harder this time. ''Jay! Open the door!''  
  
Nothing.   
  
Bob felt beads of cold sweat starting to form on his forehead. This wasn't fuckin' right. He knelt down and peered through the keyhole.  
  
He could see hardly anything through there.  
  
Suddenly his eye caught on the corner of Jay's foot. Jay was lying face-down on the floor. Near Jay's foot was a near-empty bottle of painkillers. It must have rolled there when Jay had dropped it.  
  
Bob heart quickened to the same rate as a mouse's, and with a mad terror, he tried to break down the door. After a few well aimed kicks, the door flew open, and Bob saw Jay lying on his stomach, bits of chewed-up pills on his face held by drool.   
  
''Jay!'' Bob wailed, turning Jay onto his back and shaking him roughly. ''Jay!!''  
  
Jay's thin body was totally limp. He was very cold and his eyes had rolled into the back of his skull. Bob felt like he was going to throw up with horror.  
  
''Fucking wake up!!''  
  
Bob shook Jay again but he still seemed dead. He grabbed the blond's wrist and groped desperately for a pulse. He felt himself come crashing back down to earth when he felt a feeble beat in Jay's wrist.   
  
//Thank God... he's alive... he's still alive...// thought Bob, feeling the wave of panic lessen a little.  
  
Then a horrible little voice in the back of his mind hissed, ''But he could die any second.''  
  
Bob ran full speed from the bathroom and called an ambulance, the terror of losing Jay like glass and nails in his stomach. He dashed back to be with Jay, holding him in his arms, telling him that it'd all be ok, that he'd be fine.  
  
Bob couldn't even believe his own words and his heart broke for it.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Teardrop on the fire  
  
Fearless on my breath  
  
Water is my eye  
  
Most faithful mirror  
  
Fearless on my breath  
  
Teardrop on the fire of a confession  
  
Fearless on my breath  
  
Most faithful mirror  
  
Fearless on my breath  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
The ambulance arrived within ten minutes, a time horribly stretched with panic and fear. Jay was taken away, with Bob in the back of the ambulance with him, trying to touch him, to stroke his hair and whisper words of comfort that the unconcious boy couldn't hear, but the paramedics were already working on him, putting tubes down his throat and up his nose. They were destroying Jay's fragile beauty and Bob couldn't watch. He turned his head away, vision clouded with petrified tears that fell down his face like lumps of rock.  
  
In the backround, Bob could hear the medical jargon being thrown around, but it sounded a million miles away. He was so numbed by the fact that Jay had tried to kill himself that he couldn't move, couldn't speak and couldn't hear. The shock overwhelmed his body and he felt like he could do nothing but spiral into the gaping void of misery that was slowly opening up before him.  
  
Eventually they reached the hospital and Jay was wheeled away on a stretcher. Bob was instructed not to follow, as Jay was going to have his stomach pumped, and it wasn't something that Bob should try to get involved in.  
  
Bob's guts had swollen and writhed with fury when the young nurse had told him that.  
  
''I'm sorry, sir, but you can't be with your friend right now. The doctors are working on him,''the girl had said, looking at him with that expression of sympathy that those in the medical profession were taught to use in attempt to instill a sense of hope in the hopeless.  
  
''But I need to know how he is!''Bob had protested.  
  
//You fucking bitch... let me see him... I need to be with him!// Bob thought desperately, rage flying through his veins, though cleverly concealed.  
  
The nurse put a sympathetic hand on his arm, although it was a discreet gesture to show that she was in charge of the situation, and not Bob.  
  
''When we know his condition you can come and see him,''she said. ''Besides, you'll have to answer some questions for the hospital to put on file.''  
  
Bob thought about arguing but sensing his own defeat, nodded and sat down near where Jay had been taken.  
  
Hours seemed to pass like minutes as Bob pored over every single fucking thing that he and Jay had ever done together... ever since they had been kids they had been inseperable, and now the thought that he and Jay might be finally seperated forever chilled Bob to the core. He couldn't imagine a life without Jay - his intolerable, bright, excitable, foul-mouthed, beautiful Jay.  
  
//I might never see him alive again.... the next time I might see him is under a white sheet or in a coffin... fuck... fuck...Jay, don't do this to me. Don't you dare fuckin' leave me all alone... I won't let you die. You can't die on me now... not now. Not ever. Jay, you're bigger than this. Please fuckin' pull through. Pull through, even if it's just for me. I don't know how to feel this way about anyone but you, 'cos you're the only person I ever loved, man. Don't die. Don't you fuckin' die.//  
  
Bob closed his eyes and put his head in his hands. He blocked out the world. All he could see, feel, need was Jay.  
  
Jay with his long golden hair. Jay and his bright green eyes. Jay and his fast, foul mouth. Jay and that cold, broken look in his eyes when you mentioned his parents. Jay and the smile he had on his face whenever Bob came through the door. Jay and his constantly tapping feet. Jay and his pale, lanky, beautiful body...  
  
Jay, Jay, Jay... fuckin' Jay.  
  
A choked sob escaped Bob's throat as he saw in his mind the vibrant, infectiously hyperactive Jay lying cold and still on a bed, a white sheet being drawn slowly and noiselessly over his stark white face. His eyes were closed, a tiny trickle of blood ran from his nose, his lips were horribly pale. The doctors were all shaking their heads sadly... another young life taken away. They would forget Jay soon enough - they would forget his beautiful wavy hair and his eyes and his face. They would have never known him.  
  
Bob imagined his own grief at losing Jay, the only thing he'd ever truly loved. He saw himself walking slowly back to their apartment, frozen tears in his eyes, then walking to the back of his room. He saw himself open the closet door and finding the gun that himself and Jay had always kept, just in case, and then pointing it at his temple and blowing his skull halfway across the room in a firework of blood and skull and brains.  
  
Bob wasn't sure how much time had passed when the young nurse came back.  
  
''Sir?''she said.  
  
Bob's head snapped up and he looked at her with a desperate gaze.  
  
''You can come and see your friend now,''she continued. ''He's in a stable condition, but he's very weak and very disturbed.''  
  
Bob nodded, feeling a tidal wave of relief hit him. Jay was ok... Jay was alive... Jay wasn't going to die.   
  
Bob followed the nurse to the room that Jay was recovering in. She opened the door for him and gave him a quick smile, then left.  
  
Bob was horrified at the state Jay was in. He had obviously only recently regained conciousness and was staring into space. There was a needle in his hand that was attached to a drip. He looked like death, his face pale and drawn, his eyes hollow and emotionless, his body weak and frail. Bob just stared for a moment, aghast. He couldn't believe that this shadow of a man infront of him was Jay. It broke his heart.  
  
Slowly, Jay turned his head to look at Bob. His face was blank. He blinked twice, then turned away again, his brow furrowed as if he was trying not to cry, or wishing that Bob wasn't there.  
  
Bob sat down next to Jay, still appalled at the state of his best friend. He tried to think of something to say but no words seemed good enough to comfort Jay, who had tried to kill himself only hours earlier. The two of them were silent for what felt like an age. Then finally, Jay spoke.  
  
''Why did you save me?''he said. His voice was hoarse, and every word sounded like an effort. ''Why did you'se fuckin' save me, Lunchbox? I wanted to fuckin' die... why couldn't you just fuckin' see that, you dumb fat fuck?'' Jay's tired voice became more and more full with venom with each word. ''Why couldn't you'se have just let it alone, huh?''  
  
Bob was once again at a loss for words. He didn't look away from Jay's pale, contemptous face for a second. Jay stared back at him with those green eyes that were slowly filling with angry tears. Soon, Jay had to turn away. He'd always hated looking weak infront of people. His lower lip was shaking as Jay desperately surpressed the urge to cry until his heart burst in his chest. Eventually Jay turned his head back to look Bob right in those calm brown eyes of his.  
  
''Why?''he hissed again.  
  
Bob looked right back into Jay's eyes. They were angry and indignant and desperate. Bob opened his mouth, closed it again, then finally found his voice.  
  
''I saved you because you're my best friend, Jay,''Bob said softly. ''I care about you more than anyone else.''  
  
Jay snorted derisively. ''Your best fuckin' friend...''  
  
Bob raised an eyebrow. //What the...?//  
  
Suddenly a torrent of anger spewed from Jay's mouth. It wasn't as loud as he would've liked because he was so weak, but the venom in his voice got the point across.  
  
''You stupid fuckin' tubby bitch!'' Jay cried, seemingly appalled. ''You don't fuckin' get it, do you? Man...I thought you were smart! Shows how fuckin' wrong I was, thinking that a dumb fat asshole like you was fuckin' intelligent! If you still don't understand then you must be even stupider than me.'' Jay paused for breath, shaking with disgust, disbelief and pain. ''You wanna know why I tried to kill myself, Bob? You wanna fuckin' know? I'll fuckin' tell you'se. Then you'll finally understand, you tubby bitch.''   
  
Jay paused again, short of breath. He felt very weak and tired but he knew that he had to say something. His entire being hated the thought of finally telling Bob his feelings, but he knew that he couldn't rest until the deed was done.  
  
Jay gave a shuddering sigh and dropped his gaze. He couldn't bear to look at Bob's face anymore because it hurt so much. He didn't want to see Bob's reaction to what he was about to say.  
  
Another sigh. ''I did what I did because....'' Jay swallowed, and a slight blush appeared on his face despite his ill state. ''I did it because I'm in love with you.''  
  
Bob felt his entire body freeze with shock. He looked at the expression on Jay's face - one of mingled sorrow and relief. Jay's eyes were closed. He was shaking slightly. It was then that Bob realised that he was shaking too. A whirlwind of thoughts raced through Bob's head, none of them making much sense. He opened his mouth to speak, but Jay caught sight of this and raised his hand.  
  
''Don't speak. Just... just leave, man.'' Jay's face was terribly sad. He shut his eyes even tighter than before, and several tears slipped soundlessly down his face, leaving a slight stain on the blanket.   
  
Bob didn't want to leave. Jay could tell by the expression on his face when he eventually stole a glance at the one being he loved more than anything in the world.  
  
''Bob, just leave, man. Please.'' There was a definite note of desperation in Jay's voice. He looked older all of a sudden, like an old man. Bob gave a sigh, nodded and stood up to leave. With pained eyes, Jay watched Bob leave. His throat burned from wanting to cry.  
  
Jay waited until Bob was out of the room, before he laid his golden head back down on his pillow.   
  
Then he wept like a child.  
  
~~~~~~~~~  
  
Teardrop on the fire  
  
Fearless on my breath  
  
Stumbling a little  
  
Stumbling a little....  
  
~~~~~~~~~  
  
My first Jay/Bob fic. :-S ..... Sorry if it's not quite up to standard, but what can I say? I love Jay and Bob fics. :-).... hetero-lifemates, my arse.  
  
Anyway, thanks for reading, and thanks even more if you've decided to review. Until the next chapter.....adios.  
  
Lux Aeterna  
  
x 


	2. American Beauty

Disclaimer : I don't own Jay and Silent Bob. Kevin Smith does. Lucky bastard. One other thing : I had to make up a last name for Jay - if it's the wrong one or people think I should change it to ''Mewes'' then say.  
  
TEARDROP ON THE FIRE  
  
Chapter 2 : American Beauty  
  
Bob stumbled blindly out of Jay's room and down the corridor, back to the place where he had sat for hours whilst Jay was being saved. He slumped into a seat, his mind still reeling from Jay's words. Jay... loved him? Actually loved him? The thought was so amazing and shocking that Bob's mind doubted it's credibility.  
  
It must be the drugs they've got him on.... yeah... that must be it. Jay must be on hospital medication to help him recover and it's making him say things that could never be real...Bob's thoughts were wild, destroying as much hope as possible but still hanging onto a thread of possibility.   
  
But what if?the other side of Bob's brain argued. What if this is real, and that Jay really meant the things he said? What if every single fucking thing you ever dared hoped for is coming true? Don't pretend that you have never fantasized this situation a million times in your head, Bobby - the situation of Jay confessing his undying love for you and everything being perfect, just the way you always fucking wanted. Don't lie to yourself. And don't you dare rule out the possibility that Jay is telling the truth. That kid may be a loudmouthed asshole, but if there's one thing he ain't, it's a liar.  
  
Bob put his head in his hands and closed his eyes, just taking in the past five minutes information. It was all so much, so fast. All he had ever dreamed now was in the process of ''make or break'' and frankly, Bob was fucking terrified. His heart was hanging in the balance. And if this was how he felt, he could hardly imagine how Jay must be feeling.  
  
...I'm in love with you.... just leave, man..... please....I'm in love with you....Jay's words echoed over and over again in Bob's skull, going round like a broken record.  
  
It was just then he realised that the young nurse from earlier was standing by him. Hesitantly, he looked up at her, hoping that his shock and confusion weren't blatant for all to see.  
  
''Sir, I'd like to ask you for some of your friend's details if that's alright,''she said.  
  
Bob nodded dumbly as she sat down next to him. She took a pen from her breastpocket and cleared her throat.  
  
''Your friend's name?''  
  
''Jay Davies,''said Bob. Hardly anyone knew Jay's last name. No-one had ever needed too, because they were always a pair. Jay and Silent Bob, always. No-one needed to know anymore than that.  
  
''And his age?''  
  
''Twenty-two.''  
  
''Does he have any past history of mental illness?''  
  
''No.''  
  
The questions droned on and on for what seemed like an age. Bob answered them straight - he wasn't in the mood for fucking around with details, or saying more than what needed to be said. The nurse asked her questions, then left swiftly as soon as she was finished, sensing Bob's mood. Bob barely noticed her leave, and reverted back into his own fucked up thoughts.  
  
After about twenty minutes Bob felt a familiar rumble in his stomach. He sighed and made his way to the hospital cafeteria, figuring that if he couldn't be content with what was happening in his heart, then at least his stomach could be kept happy.  
  
In there, he sat on a table that was furthest away from anyone else, so he could be with his thoughts.  
  
Miserably, Bob chewed on a sandwich that even he thought didn't taste good. Normally Bob could inhale food and not even care what the taste was, but this sandwich was just plain nasty, even by Bob's standards. Nevertheless, he ate it and finished the other three in the packet too. After he felt slightly full, he thought about going back and talking to Jay.  
  
After the slow and miserable walk back to Jay's room, Bob found that he couldn't bring himself to go back inside. He had never feared Jay in his life, but now he felt that he didn't even have the guts to look him in the eye. Jay, despite his weakened state, had become someone else in Bob's eyes - some perfect, awkward, intimidating figure, even though Jay had barely done a thing to induce this change in perception.  
  
After at least ten minutes of standing by the door, Bob walked away again, his head hung, feeling even more conflicted and unhappy than before.  
  
Jay had fallen asleep soon after Bob had left his room. He'd cried for a while, but it hadn't taken long for exhaustion to take him over and he'd fallen into a dreamless sleep.  
  
When he woke up the past few hours events flooded back and he felt worse than ever. How could he have been so stupid?? Why had he had to tell Bob he loved him?? It was fuckin' bad enough that he'd tried to kill himself, but the fact that he'd even given the reason to why he'd done it just made the situation all the more hideous.  
  
I coulda fuckin' lied...Jay thought angrily to himself. I coulda made up some shit about some chick, or my family or drugs or somethin'... Why the fuck did I tell Bob?! Man... I'm a fuckin' idiot.  
  
Jay lay completely still. He sighed. He felt so ill. He couldn't remember anything past him taking the pills back home, and had no idea what the doctors and nurses had been doing to him, but whatever it was it was making him feel like total shit. Jay gave a slight groan as he tried to sit up. He failed spectacularly and slumped back down on the bed.   
  
''Where's a fuckin' nurse when you need one?''he mumbled to himself, feeling slightly irritated.  
  
He pressed the call button for the nurse about sixteen times, just to be annoying. Eventually the nurse that had been talking to Bob early arrived.  
  
''So you're awake, Mr Davies?''she said. ''You've been out for a good few hours.''  
  
''Can I have some water?''said Jay, who wasn't in the mood for any petty smalltalk.  
  
''Sure.'' She poured him a small glass of water, which Jay gulped down in seconds. He held his glass out for more. The nurse shook her head. ''Not now. Later.''  
  
Jay scowled. ''Why not?''  
  
''Because your body is still in a delicate state. We can't go overloading it with fluids or food yet.''  
  
''Fuckin' figures,''Jay muttered, turning partially away from her.  
  
There was a tense silence. ''Do you want me to send in your friend?''she said. ''He's been waiting round here for hours now.''  
  
Jay stiffened suddenly and turned to look at the nurse with an agonised look in his eyes. ''Bob's still here?''he said.  
  
The nurse nodded. ''He sat outside this room for hours, then dissapeared, then came back. He looked awfully upset.''  
  
Jay swallowed. ''Um... ok... I guess. But can you send him in like, uh, ten minutes or somethin'...''   
  
''Sure,''she said, then she left.  
  
Jay lay there for a moment, suddenly breathing hard. Bob would soon be in this room with him. His Bob. For almost a moment a smile burst onto his pale face.  
  
But then he remembered and the smile left as fast as it had came. Bob wasn't his. Bob was his own person. Bob was nothing, felt nothing towards Jay... not in the way Jay wanted anyhow. Jay bit his lip, hard. Almost hard enough to split the skin, but he was in enough pain as it was, and decided that he didn't need anymore than he already had.   
  
Jay couldn't believe how nervous he felt. It wasn't as if Bob had never seen him in a bad state before. However, Bob had never seen him take nearly fifty paracetamol and pass out on their bathroom floor, practically dead. Jay felt humiliated and utterly miserable because of the whole ordeal, and how he had to face and speak to the cause of it. He turned on his other side, his stomach full of butterflies. It was a truly hideous feeling - this waiting. He almost wished that Bob would just walk in now, rather than experiance this anxiousness and jumping at every sound, thinking that it was the door opening.  
  
After around ten minutes the door handle clicked and opened. Jay felt his insides turn to ice and he clutched his bedsheets to him so tightly that he was surprised that the material and his hands didn't merge. He didn't breathe, didn't move, didn't speak. He felt horribly unwell. Jay was worried that he might be violantly sick all over himself, but somehow nothing happened.  
  
The air was still. Nobody spoke. Nobody moved. The room became like a photograph - two still figures surrounded by blurred objects... at least they seemed blurred. Neither of the two men could focus on anything but eachother. Even though Jay couldn't see Bob with his eyes, in his head he could see him perfectly - those serene features set in a strange, bemused expression, his long hair hanging idly around his dark eyes... fingers fumbling for a cigarrette, even though he knew he wasn't allowed to smoke in the hospital.  
  
After what felt like an hour ( but was actually seven minutes ) Bob sat down in a chair next to Jay. Jay flicked his green eyes up to look at Bob for a moment - to savour his face - to see that Bob looked even more awkward and nervous than himself. Jay cast his eyes back down, guilt flooding him. He was causing Bob pain and it killed him to see it. But still, the blond boy didn't say a word.  
  
Bob stared at Jay. He still looked terrible. He was horribly pale and his eyes looked massive in his gaunt face. Until now, he'd never realised how truly fragile looking Jay was. Skinny, white-skinned, huge green eyes staring out of a narrow, high-cheekboned skull, thin wrists, bony legs. Everything about him seemed so... feeble. But so utterly endearing too. Bob struggled to find something appropriate to say.  
  
It seemed impossible. The only thing Bob wanted to say was that he loved Jay madly - always had, always will - but that appeared out of the question. He wasn't even sure if Jay had meant the things he'd said. For all Bob knew, Jay could've been screwed on hospital drugs at that point and had meant nothing.   
  
The only thing was that Bob couldn't forget the tears in Jay's eyes as he'd spoken... the tears that he'd held back until Bob had left the room. Bob had heard Jay's throat crack, had heard him give a heartbroken sob, had heard him sniff miserably into his sheets after Bob had left his room. He'd heard everything standing outside that door. And the emotion in Jay's voice had not been the emotion of someone who was merely on drugs. It had sounded so genuine. So real.  
  
''Jay...'' Bob began. He didn't know how to continue. ''Are... are you feeling better?''  
  
Jay gave a small sigh and tried to sit up. He didn't feel strong enough, but somehow managed it.  
  
''Don't over-exert yourself!'' Bob cried suddenly, helping Jay sit up straight. ''You'll make yourself sick, man!''  
  
Jay blinked, somewhat shocked. ''Dude... I'm... I'm ok,''he said, shakily.  
  
''No...no!''Bob shouted. ''You're not ok! You're in a really bad way and I don't wanna see you make yourself fucking worse, man!'' He took a deep breath, suddenly feeling very angry that he'd nearly lost his best friend. He looked at Jay, who was looking surprised to say the least. It was very rare that Bob even spoke, let alone got angry and ranted. ''I nearly fucking lost you earlier, Jay. You nearly fucking died infront of my eyes and I'm pissed off! How could you do this!? Don't you have any fucking idea what you mean to me?? If you died man... I...'' Bob faltered, his eyes filling with furious tears. ''I don't think I could've carried on. Not without you.''  
  
There were tears in Jay's eyes. His lower lip was shaking. ''I'm sorry, man,''he clucked.  
  
Bob threw his arms around Jay and squeezed him as tightly as was safe. ''Don't be sorry. I'm just so grateful that you're still here. I fucking love you, Jay.''  
  
Oh shit. Bob froze. He'd said it. Oh Jesus H. Christ. He'd said it. He felt Jay's muscles stiffen. Bob slowly let go of Jay and sat back down. Jay's face was hard and cold.  
  
''Dude, don't fuckin' say shit you don't mean,''Jay said.  
  
Bob's mouth opened and closed a couple of times before he could speak. ''I don't say shit I don't mean,''he said, his voice very calm.  
  
Jay looked at Bob through confused eyes. He went to speak, then flinched for some reason. Bob took a very deep breath, and swallowed his heart that appeared to be in his mouth right now.  
  
''Jay, I fucking love you. I always have. I always will. It's as simple as that. I love you.''  
  
Jay nodded, more to himself than Bob. He swallowed, then his face burst into the most beautiful smile Bob had ever seen. Tears streamed down Jay's stark white face. Bob just stared, feeling breathless, acknowledging a defining moment in his life. Jay had realised that this moment was timeless, if his tears and rapt expression were anything to go by.  
  
''You fuckin' mean this shit, Lunchbox?''said Jay, trying to keep his voice from shaking and failing.  
  
Bob nodded, back to his silent self. He couldn't have spoken right now even if he'd wanted to. Jay's smile became rather bashful and he looked at his hands. ''S'cool, man,''he said quietly. ''Fuckin' weird shit, but cool.''  
  
There was a long silence. Neither of the two men seemed to know what to do. It wasn't awkward as such, but rather confusing. Both knew that all they wanted to do deep down was to hold eachother and never let go... amongst other things, but neither knew quite how to initiate it.  
  
After a couple of minutes Jay spoke up. ''So what do we do now, huh Lunchbox? Just sit here n' shit?'' A little smile played on his pale face. Bob returned the smile and shrugged. There was a glitter in Jay's eyes. He beckoned to Bob with a thin hand. Bob moved slowly towards Jay, feeling all at once apprehensive and exhilarated.  
  
Jay pulled Bob's face slowly towards his, shaking slightly. He tilted his head and initiated an awkward, bumpy kiss. But despite it's many flaws, this was the most perfect kiss of Jay's life. Bob felt his stomach do backflips. So this was it - this was what kissing Jay was like. It was messy. It was awkward. It was stubbly. But it was wonderful.  
  
They pulled apart after a moment and stared at eachother.  
  
''Kinda weird huh?''said Jay, grinning. ''But no biggie - it was only our first try.'' Then he pulled Bob back to him and somehow this kiss was at an even higher level of sheer greatness than the first. Jay felt like he was going to die, but in a way that could only ever have been good. Bob felt like he was walking on air. All in all, everything was amazing. Sure it was a little strange, alien if you will, but in the best way possible. It was the beginning of something new, something great, something that would make two very ordinary people happy.  
  
Nothing would ever be the same again.  
  
And it was for the better. Life was suddenly good.  
  
Voila. Chapter 2 is finished. I'll probably write a final third chapter, just to tie up the loose ends that I've left floating around. It probably won't take as long as the last chapter, seeing as my exams are over soon and I'll have plenty of time to write then.  
  
Thank you very much to reviewers - it means a lot.  
  
Lux Aeterna   
  
x 


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